Because I can't sleep

I can't seem to sleep. Because I can't sleep interwebs you shall be graced with just a few of my random observations.

1. I live in the middle of nowhere. Okay, not really the middle of nowhere, but a decent distance towards nowhere at the mouth of a canyon. It's windy all of the time. Okay, not all of the time, but all of the time between the hours of 9 PM and 3 AM. This wind makes it really hard to be energy efficient (and when I say energy efficient I actually mean cheap, electricity is expensive) and open my windows at night to cool of the house because when I do so the wind blows my wedding pictures of the shelf in the master bedroom and causes random doors in the house to slam shut, scaring the daylights out of me and making me say words that I am working very hard to not say anymore because I don't want my one year old swearing at random strangers.

2. Speaking of which, I HAVE A ONE YEAR OLD. When did that happen? She just came home the other day, a little 5 pound squirt who slept, ate, and pooped. Now? Well, now she's frustrated at her inability to talk and instead grunts and points and then screams when that doesn't work. She goes up and down stairs, and refuses to let me put anything in her hair, and laughs at herself because she's just that funny, she believes that all food is hers and she MUST feed herself. If you put food in her mouth she will take it out, hold it for a second, then put it back and commence with the eating. In addition, one of her favorite games is to antagonize her mother. Me: "Say mama." Her: "Dad." Me: "Say mama." Her: "Dada." Then she giggles at herself. Little stink.

3. I should be committed, like padded walls committed. I have decided to go back to school. Now, let's review. Full-time (or more depending on the week) job, husband, house, baby, school. Am I completely insane? Yes, yes I am. I'll let you know how that goes. Sleep, I shall miss you.

4. I'm still fat. I'm hoping school will help that. I really don't think I'll have time to eat. I'm pretty excited about it. Forced dieting is still dieting.

5. The soft water man is coming tomorrow! I didn't know water this hard existed, I want my hair back. Let us all rejoice about the soft water man....

And with that, I shall leave you a with my one year old. Mostly because she's so freakin' cute.

Any and all comments regarding how cute she is would be greatly appreciated. And yes, I've asked the pediatrician if she's too young for Rogaine, apparently she is. And she's adorable even without the hair.

Because I am extremely fickle

I am bitter today. Very bitter. I used to think of myself as a very level individual, not so much lately. Yesterday I was just fine, today I am bitter. I think I need a new job, my job makes me bitter. Very bitter.

That's all. Have a lovely night.

Because I'm working on not being bitter

I'm working on it, I really am. I'm trying to not be as bitter as I was last week. Last week was a very bitter week in my life. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's the most bitter I've been in quite a while. However, I'm moving on. I'm trying to see the bright side of things. It may have something to do with the icky snow melting and the sun coming out. I'm not sure.

In other news, Jillian and I made friends tonight. It was rough. Much rougher than a twenty minute workout should be. I think I may be out of shape. Surprisingly enough it felt good. Really good. And now I feel like I've accomplished something today. Yay me.

I've also given up Diet Pepsi. Now, let's not get crazy here, I briefly considered abandoning Diet Coke (but then what kind of stereotypical Mormon mommy would I be), but eventually decided on simply giving up drinking Diet Pepsi at work. No Diet Pepsi has turned into me drinking water. I'm really hoping it makes me slightly less hungry. It hasn't exactly panned out yet, but I'm not giving up hope.

Wee One has started crawling and there are all kinds of stories to relate there, but quite frankly Jillian has worn me out.

Have a lovely evening interwebs.

Heart,

Stacy

Because I am a bad person

I am. I am a bad person. Right now I am sitting on the couch blogging while watching Police Women of Maricopa County. (You didn't actually think I only watched Cops, right) I've been thinking about The Shred for the last forty minutes, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I also ate a whole junk load of Oreos today and pizza, lots of pizza. And you know what, I don't feel bad about it.

I'm not completely sure that I really have what it takes to be skinny again. And at this point, I'm just thinking about it because I want to be the skinny, attractive new couple in the ward when we move. Have I mentioned how conceited I am? I already have to combat with a bald baby. I mean, yeah, she's cute and perfectly behaved, but she has no hair and I am bothered by it way more than could be considered normal.

Also, can we just discuss for a minute how many problems arise with marriage because of the different atmospheres and customs that people grow up in? I won't go into specifics, because interwebs I don't truly trust you, but seriously? I mean, seriously!?

In other news, this week a job which shall not be named, corporate office got an email about a "main manager dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, wearing slippers, looking like she had just rolled out of bed." First, I don't go anywhere looking like I just rolled out of bed, remember how conceited I am? Second, I don't own slippers. Period. Flip flops, people, not slippers, and my toenails are perfectly painted. And third, I can't walk into a building without being mobbed. Lay off the jeans and sweatshirt. Rant over.

For the record, I have no idea what I weigh right now. I can't even think about how depressing that would be and quite frankly I've had enough stress this week.

Man, I sound bitter today. That's all. Please don't tell.

Heart,

Stacy

Because I have changed my mind

I have changed my mind. I don't want to buy a house anymore. I mean, I get it, I understand that a significant number of people have defaulted in their mortgages, but I'm pretty sure by the end of this the bank's going to want a DNA sample, a clean drug test, and my first born. And if I give them my first born I won't really need the house anymore, now will I?

Because my commitment hasn't dwindled, just my methods

Well hello Interwebs. Long time no talk. Yes, I realize this is a failure on my part. However, I feel it should be noted that I have been very distracted with other things. I have been doing fairly well on the not getting more fat. I've made it down to 161. Yay, me.

Let's move onto the other stuff that has left me so distracted and therefore unable to remember to eat on a regular basis. I can't seem to stop growing up. First there was the boy, then I married the boy, then there was the baby (still not really sure about that one. Though she is dang cute and literally the best behaved child ever!), now there is the house. Yeah, the house. For some reason I've decided the ultimate financial commitment is the next step in my light speed path. And seriously, house buying is complicated. Makes my head hurt. I think the lender is going to want my first born before this is over, and if they take my first born I really don't feel like I'm grown up enough to need the house anymore.

I'm pretty sad about the moving, excited about the house, but sad about the moving. I have the greatest living arrangements of all time at the moment. No, I can't live in my grandparents basement forever, but wouldn't it be nice if I could? There's a built-in child watcher at all times, talk about convenient and for the first year of my marriage, before I figured out that toilet paper doesn't just magically appear under the bathroom counter once every two weeks, I stole most of my toilet paper out of the garage. It helped me ease into this grown up thing. I've had responsibility down pat since I was about 16, but the common sense life things took me until about ten minutes ago, and I'm sure that I'll be upstairs by tomorrow night because I need something. Do you think my new neighbors will mind that I "borrow" stuff without asking? Or that I very rarely return it?

Because sometimes I just wish I could move back in with my mommy

Sometimes I really think being an adult is overrated. On a day to day basis there is simply too many adult decisions to make. What to cook for dinner, whether or not to do laundry, car payments to make, cell phone bills to pay, etc.

I have decided the perfect solution to this issue is to move back into my parent's house. My mom is wonderful. She does my laundry, she cooks my dinner, and no she probably wouldn't start paying all my bills, but I don't think I can fully explain how much deciding what to cook for dinner stresses me out. Not to mention the fact that I would have a build in babysitter. All of the time. It would be so awesome.

If you have any suggestions on how I can sell this fabulous plan to Significant Other, please let me know. He only looks at the negatives in my little plan, he sees none of the positives.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 13

165.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 12

165. Better than I thought it would be.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 11

164. This number is a fallacy, because I ate a lot today, so tomorrow I expect 167. Jillian Michael's and I did not make friends today, however, sausage dip and I did. I feel the dip and I will be much happier together.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 10

164. 164. 164. Yes, for the record I realize it's only one pound, I also realize it's probably because I didn't have time for many beverages today, but still. And, Jillian and I still didn't make friends today. I don't think you realize how bad I am at self motivation, there's a reason Boot Camp is the only thing that has ever worked for me. I'm still hopeful though, and you interwebs are there to mock if I fail.

Have a lovely day. I'm sure all the food I will eat tomorrow while watching football will more than compensate for that measly pound.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 9

165. Jillian Michaels and I did not make friends today. It was a long day. I don't want to talk about it. Also, I ate a Snickers today. It was delightful. I feel that since it was the only thing I ate all day, it is somehow healthy.

That's all.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 8

168. Seriously!? I avoided the frosting. It has to be some sort of cruel joke. I swear I'm pregnant or something (except for the record, I'm totally not).

I have been considering some pretty extreme measures to assist with my weight loss quest. First exercise, insane, right? Except I'm not joking on the insane thing. I did the exercise thing once, it led me to the smallest I have ever been. Boot Camp through a local gym. It was expensive, I did it when I was rich, I'm not so rich anymore. Boot Camp was great, I had someone yelling at me and making me work out. Truthfully, I'm really bad at self-motivation when it comes to exercise. I'd rather hang out on the couch with a Diet Coke and Snickers. Did I mention that I think people who say they run for fun are either lying or masochists? Boot Camp made me skinny (I mean, yes, it made me feel really good too, energized, but whatever, exercise is stupid), but to have someone stand over me and make me exercise is $75 a month, $75 that I would rather spend to keep up my acrylic nail habit (you may now commence with the laughing).

It must be done. So, I figured Jillian Michaels can yell at me. No, it won't be as great as being on the Biggest Loser, but.... 30 day Shred, here I come. It promise up to 20 pounds in only 30 days. We shall see, we shall see.... You interwebs are lucky enough to be the recipient of a daily exercise update too, because I'm not good with self motivation, as I may have already mentioned.

I have also seriously considered giving up carbonation, unfortunately at this point I am simply too addicted to Diet Coke to take that step. It's still in the back of my mind. Have I mentioned before that Significant Other has lost 50 pounds since Wee One was born simply by cutting out fast food and carbonation? Yes, I think he's stupid. Stupid boys with their stupid magic weight loss.

Have a lovely night interwebs.

P.S. Cops observation for the night, crack looks like gum. Seriously.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 7

165. Finally. Also, for those of you who care, I have some snark to share, but I'm way too tired, so it'll have to wait until tomorrow.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 6

166.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 5

166.2. Hey, it's lower than 167.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 4

167. My own fault though. It was the brownies and ice cream I had after dinner.

In other news:

Both Wee One and I have been sick all week. Fun. Clingy, sad baby makes me feel bad. I can't seem to make it any better. I'm starting to feel a little better, but I think she's still stuck in the middle of it, poor thing. I'm a bad mom, I just want to take the batteries out so I can be sick. I may be too self-centered to be a mom some days.

I have discovered a show that's even better than Cops. Inside America Jail follows the booking process. Talk about great American television.

I've done ten loads of laundry in the last two days. This is what happens when no laundry gets done for almost three weeks. I hate laundry. It is the domestic equivalent of having teeth pulled. I also have yet to fold any of said laundry, so if you plan on visiting in the next day or two don't expect to have somewhere to sit, my couches are otherwise occupied.

I have also worked out a mental game plan to find skinny me, however, I am not yet willing to commit so it will have to wait. Accountability, even to you interwebs, sort of blows.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 3

167. Stupid. Seriously stupid. I'm thinking maybe it's time to consider adding exercise or something of the like to the mix. Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred makes quite the promises. And yes, I totally had pizza for dinner.

Because I have no one to blame but myself. Day 2

167. It's the freakin' frosting from yesterday, I swear. No more frosting.

Because I have no one to blame but myself

Dearest Interwebs;

I have a few confessions to make, (and since only one person reads this, I don't have to fear that my confessions will get too far), I'm fat, I miss being skinny, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I spent most of my life being fat. There were girls who called me "chubbo", talk about a blow to one's self-esteem. Then, one day I got skinny. And by one day, I actually mean one year. My senior year in high school to be exact. Anyways I'm getting sidetracked here, I got skinny, mostly because I was super busy and had virtually no time to eat, and I slowly got smaller. Now, I feel it should be admitted that by skinny, I mean skinny for me, not actually skinny, just nearly normal.

I really liked being skinny. It made me feel good. For the first time in my life I liked to shop. Clothes were finally fun. I spent a ridiculous amount of money dressing my new frame, and man it was fun. Now, flash forward a few years, I was the smallest I had ever been when I got engaged. I wore a wedding dress in a size that made me proud. Then, interwebs, it happened. I got married and I got fat.

Now it didn't happen overnight, but slowly over time, I got fat. Married introduced schedule into my eating world, schedule that I hadn't had for years. Scheduled eating of not so good for me foods made me fat. Then, to make matters worse, I got pregnant. Pregnant made me fat too, not nearly as fat as it should have because Wee One decided five weeks early was a good time to be born, but trust me that's another post entirely.

To recap: fat, skinny, married, fat, pregnant. Brings us to right now. I'm still fat, though just married fat, I have thankfully lost all the pregnant weight, not because I worked at it but because of the early arrival. And I can't seem to get skinny, but as I mentioned before I have absolutely no one to blame but myself. Well, myself and the cupcakes, chocolate, cookies, cheeseburgers, fries, ice cream, and frosting. Oh how I love frosting, the good homemade stuff right out of a piping bag.

So that brings me to you interwebs. I am now making myself accountable to you. I am vowing publicly to find that skinny girl I like so much. Now, let's not get carried away with this, I am not going to swear off all chocolate for forever, simply to only eat one piece instead of the entire giant bar. I also suppose it wouldn't kill me to eat a carrot every now and then.

I'm not dumb, I don't think a vow to the internet one lonely night will magically fix everything, but I'm pretty sure I know what will, publicly declaring my weight, on a daily basis. So, here we go: 165. Ouch that hurt. Some days you may get snarky to go with the number, but the number will always be there.

Because I have no self control

Dear Get Skinny goals:

You firmly flew out the window this morning when I opted for cookie dough and Diet Coke for breakfast. I'm sorry. I truly am. I am hopeful that I will begin to edge back to my skinny jeans one day, apparently today is simply not meant to be that day.

Heart,

Stacy

P.S. Cookie Dough, I adore you.

Because it's been so long

I watch more Cops than could possibly be considered normal. And I judge the quality of my life based off of the show. Truly does wonders for any perceived dysfunction regarding my marriage.

That's all.